Love comes unrequited very often; the heart yearns painfully for the tender affection of a votary. The soul screams from anguish of denial. Here is the story. Here is where I came in. Loving you was the beginning, and the pain and anguish hasn't changed one bit. 

You remember subtlety?

It was a windless evening of summer. Warm, still air, and loneliness was the only thing between us. Internet love: what a whimsical world where one spins tales. You walk into a land of fantasy, Xanadu, oh, Blessed World of Technology, where promises can come true if only for a moment.

Out of cyberspace you came.

I asked a question, "Is there a man who would just like to chat and leave sex outside?" The screen scrolled as I looked for a response. Giving up and ready to disconnect, you answered, "I am." I was reminded of the stillness of the night and relieved that boredom would not hold me captive. I smiled and read the username, smiled again. "Okay, let's play a game. Follow my lead."

"Cool," you answered. Suddenly, I was the man for the moment and you were the woman, the trade-off went very well. For an hour we reversed the role of a married couple, breaking the ice until the dialogue ran into our likes and dislikes discovering we had a lot in common. We philosophized about relationships and shared poetry, then spoke on the phone briefly. The next morning I looked for you.

Do you know how many times I made love to you that night? Listening to your voice, finding your soul inside of the words you spoke? No, you haven't a clue about the person within me. You just know the person you wanted me to be. And I had no desire to change you, I just wanted you to love me.

You represented Love Pristine, an innocence I was friends with long before I got caught up in the game of searching for love. Your spirit reminded me that love was something that had to be given away to experience. I'd forgotten that. I could feel your sighs, all your expectations, and I wanted to be the one to show you that neither of us have suffered the loss of love for nothing.

Days, weeks, months flew by.

My surroundings whispered stories of your love for me. In Xanadu, I lay upon its beaches, underneath its sun lost to the world around me, musing inside the thought that one day we would be deep inside each other. I could smell you, taste you. I'd spent every night dreaming of your hands around me, your cool warmth touching my fiery flesh, your sweet fleshy tongue just where it wanted to be and me offering up a moan or two.

Could you feel that, too? Was it eccentric when I wanted so badly to feel you inside me, I wished you'd felt it, too? Did we both wish upon the same moon at night, and the same songs that played? Did you believe we were sending thoughts one to another as I did?

The nights apart were longer than the actual time we were apart, spent in yearning, losing sleep because of the wanting, waking up to the empty pillow beside me. I played with my shower massage so regularly, I chose to name it "Kevin Costner" paying the actor back for all of those six hour boring movies I was duped into watching. It was joy for the moment. After orgasm I was left with a crippling desire to be next to you outlining your lips as you slept, smelling your scent which felt as if it shrouded me.

It was you who abandoned erotica. I couldn't get through to you after a while, you censored me. Did you think I wouldn't come to you? Did you think that five thousand miles was too far for me to travel?

You didn't want me to say "I love you" anymore; you wouldn't allow me to dream anymore. Even now, I don't stop. I can't believe you'd think my love wasn't real. Each time we speak I sense you avoiding the deepest part of what you feel and I remain, censored, waiting for you to make the first move. I drop hints. Sometimes I tell you I'm over you. Do you see that I lie?

Wishing you'd take another look, I write this. Wishing you could see into my soul and feel the need to be redeemed, not for the sake of pity, but for the true love you'd always wanted-- and maybe then you'd fall into me. You have no idea where you've left me, a place where it's hard to get a signal through. I feel my way about for my identity like a lost contact cautious and starving. Anybody with a heart would take me in their arms and love me. Why won't you? I'll never understand.

I'm at this place as fate has dictated, where no buses run; naked now and the world laughs at my physique. Pieces of it are distorted, and so goes my heart without another beat. You smile fondly, "It was all a mistake." It's the Land of Reconsider, a territory of Hope but here you make your own, and I don't have the tools to build such a foundation because you've robbed me, without malice I'm sure, but you've denied me just the same.

If you want to be touched, tell me how. If the desire for that special kiss still exists, then take it from me. I have unconditional love for you. All I ever wanted was the chance, recognizing that love is all you ever needed. I'm here, just where you left me, remembering. And that's the pain of it all.

Copyright © 2001 Tsaadig. All Rights Reserved. May not be re-printed in any form without express written consent of the author. Do not copy or post.

Author's Quote: "Life is something to be experienced a teaspoon at a time, savoring its flavor with a welcome expression. You learn to love yourself when you feel that grin churning inside you, making you better at loving someone else."